Down the Rabbit Hole
So since facing some of the fear that caused the push/pull with relationships, I’ve since gone even deeper into the rabbit hole, all the way to past lives. The energetic “tectonic plates” shifted underneath, allowing me for a more firm footing in partnership, which was a necessity for our incoming child.
Fear of Stepping Up
What has been showing up over the last week or so – not new, but to a new, noticeable level – is that same, persistent fear of stepping up, out, and using my voice in the world. My Life Purpose/Love Offering/Soul Calling stuff. I kept attributing it to the generic fear of success, but something felt a little thicker than that, an oppressive force even.
Like there was something (removable) that was quite literally, holding me down from flight. And now that I’m going to be someone’s mom, being held down from Soul Calling is the last thing in the world I want to be modeling.
So, in my second round of the three-session love offering my mom covered for me with Paul Sivert (my go-to reader/shaman in Maryland), I came with some clear questions. These days, the Medicine spirits don’t lead me, they let me lead (and fumble around, and figure things out) both in and out of ceremony (not like there’s a real difference.)
So basically, I am to pay attention, ask for help when I need it, and learn my way around the physical/spiritual world. I don’t get a tour guide anymore – only if I specifically call for one. It’s a “leave the nest” process.
So basically I need to get down as far as I can on my own, then shine a light on the dark spot. Paul, being a clairvoyant, can help get a visual of it, where I can feel the energy. Together it’s an interesting process. And with the spirits he channels (Medicine included) the more specific my questions are, the more specific the answers.
Sharing the Process
Remember, my Life Purpose (I’ve switched to saying Love Offering or Soul Calling) is to share my experience along the journey to my own True Self and Soul Calling – so that by nature, it can support whoever wants it to along the way. From start to finish. Not wait until I’m at the Deepak Chopra level.
How did he get there? People rarely get to see the process, especially the younger generation. And even a plain old normal white chick from the suburbs can do it – because we’re all spirits. There is no “culture” in the Spirit World. No oppression or “white guilt”. That’s physical world stuff, holding everyone, on either side of the coin back.
Simplifying What Appears Complex
In my eyes, anyone who wants it can access their true self/spirit can. Not even a complicated thing – the journey is in un-complicating what the ego has made appear chaotic. In my experience, spirit world learning goes the opposite direction than academia. In school, the “higher” you go, the more “complex” the concepts are. In spirit world, it’s like we’re clearing the clutter down to the most simple depth of a seed – profound, and in the roots.
I can’t tell you how many times in ceremony – when the deep wisdom comes through – it’s always so damn obvious – yet none of us could see it with the ego’s blinders. But the “blink”, the snap of understanding when another veil lifts – that’s the spiritual process. And I don’t expect it to end, since the levels, from what I’ve been shown, are infinite. So here we go, another level down the rabbit hole, to see what fear is holding me back.
So the main way my fears tend to manifest physically is through procrastination/overwhelm. If left untreated, that has the potential to turn to a new level – depression, but that was long ago when I didn’t have the “paying attention” tools I do now. I’m not an anxiety girl, not a worrier. So to the naked eye, it doesn’t look like fear so obviously.
But that’s why knowing my ego’s MO’s are so important – so I can catch the fears when they show up. And this has been a mild theme for awhile, just starting to get more and more annoying to me (which is what happens as they kind of “bubble up” to be purged.)
Basically it’s real easy to blame not working on the book or the radio show on being busy. Work, Christmas, blah blah. But then – somehow the time I’d said I wanted appears, and what do I do? Find anything other than writing or podcasting to work on. Anything. Even stuff that I normally procrastinate (like cleaning.) I just itemized my entire 2011 tax papers, and it’s December. Fear, much?
What am I Afraid Of?
But why? What am I so afraid of? I feel safe in blogworld. Somehow that venue doesn’t hit the trigger anymore. Nor does Facebook. But speaking with my own voice on a pre-recorded podcast, to be aired on internet radio?
Those who know me know talking is not my weak spot. I get flooded with information, especially related to spirituality. Half the time it’s the first time I’ve heard it – some channel opens and it’s new to me too. So no problem there.
I spent all this time delaying my “coming out” process to do Ego work. Necessary, yes. I had to get to a place where I wasn’t necessarily thinking I was “right”, and could just share my story without preaching it (annoying, I know. Blind spots are embarrassing!)
And while I doubt there’s an end to ego work, as long as I’m in a human body at least, I have hit a threshold where I feel more comfortable and less afraid my ego is going to sound like an arrogant, condescending new-ager who can’t see it in herself.
It still happens, I’m sure, but the journey never ends, so at some point, if I ever want to share, I can’t wait until I get “far enough” – another trick of the ego fear to keep me from speaking.
So here we are – the time is now. I’ve talked about this before, and I’m getting sick of hearing myself gear up to step out, then somehow fizzle back into the default uncomfortable comfort zone.
Shit is getting old, and I feel an internal time clock trying to get my attention. I’m so close – it’s just a small step that only appears more scary than it really is (thanks Medicine – an example of a channel out message not from me.)
Past Life Trauma
Okay – so to the reading. My question to Paul’s spirits was: “Is this “oppressive energy” I feel a block? Is it something that can be removed? Or is it there as a climbing wall for me to strengthen my muscles up enough to get over, so I’m stronger on the other side?”
The spirits come through. “A small amount of it is “negative motivation” [I intuit – the time clock] but a lot of it has really come to the point of holding you back. I see it in visual form – a root coming out of the ground, wrapping around your left leg and hip, all the way up through the back of the heart, and into the throat.”
This makes sense to me energetically, as I hold almost all my fear/dark crap on the left side – mostly around my stomach and hip area. And that’s exactly what it feels like. And my throat is my voice, which makes sense as well.
“There are three women spirits – you from past lives – who are holding fear for you. All three were healers of some sort – and two were violently put to the death over it. One was persecuted and killed as a witch, the other was a nun, but still upset the angry male population (who at that time were very fearful of the wisdom of women.)
The third was shunned for something she wrote – this one more recently. She was isolated from her loved ones. In all three lives, you were single. You feared that if you were to be in relationship, you would not be able to live out your purpose.”
Relationships in the Way of Life Purpose?
Ding ding ding. There’s the relationship piece – that resonated. The aspects did as well. This fear of some kind of punishment, persecution, shunning. Even though I have one of the most supportive families in the world, a gigantic group of friends who are proud of me, and a huge community who is fascinated with this work (hey, fear isn’t necessarily logical.)
Plus, I’ve spent a lifetime creating my own way – figuring out ways to navigate and respect the Western culture, while working it my own style. That’s normal for me, and actually doesn’t take any effort anymore. But this new level – the fear of the “big Ayahuasca guys” – etc. It’s time to let it go.
Real quick – I want to give you my take on past lives. I’m not totally sold on it being a “linear time” type of thing (like, in 1650 I was this person who lived here, etc.) That may be the case, but I’m not sure. I also think it could be a multiple plane thing – either happening all at the same time, but feels like a memory.
It may even just be a symbol or metaphor – a visual representation of a certain energy – served in a way my brain can wrap around it – personified. Without getting my brain around it, an energy is a lot harder to release. I see this phenomenon a lot in ceremony, so it could be here as well.
Either way, I could give two shits. It works, and that’s all I care about.
Healing the Past
So we did a guided trance state journey to the three women. Individually I thanked each one for their love and caring, and also explained to them this is a different time period than when they were killed (all by the age of 30). And I let them all go.
Now, one could say – what if they’re keeping you safe? What if their message is valid and now someone’s gonna kill you?
Since the energy was fear based (not intuition based) I don’t trust it. Intuition guides me out of a dark alley. Fear paralyzes me. And that’s one of the beautiful things about moving farther along the journey – my “ability” is recognizing energy, and being able to feel the differences, so I can know what to trust. And fear – I don’t trust that for shit. It feels very different to me than intuitive guidance that says “caution” or “stop.” It’s not scary – it’s just clear.
So that’s my main reason, because this was their fear in me. And even if for some reason I was wrong – I can’t live a life in fear. All I’m talking about doing is writing a book here – this is not some coup to overthrow the government.
My Soul Calling is not for everyone – it’s for some, and those people will find it organically. It’s not “in your face”, it’s simply me sharing. I’m really not making waves that large. And it feels debilitating – like I’m not free. I’m always shooting for deep freedom, and anywhere I’m held back, I will find a way to remove the hold.
So as I released the three spirits, and hopefully the fear that came with them, I felt strong tingling energy up and down my left side.
It almost felt like the root disintegrating – like it released back into my body to be purged out naturally (that night I had a dream I was like 20, drunk and trying to hook up with some hot guy from my high school – not a far step from the complex ego system my fear had created – keeping the “real potential” guys away and the “uncatchables” my distraction.)
And I’ve recorded another podcast and now written a blog. Movement is happening. Could it be placebo effect? Of course. Do I think it is? No. Do I care either way? No. I just want to be free to fly. So let’s see what happens!
~ Meghan Shannon Elder (@beyond_meghan)
Ayahuasca Preparation and Integration Specialist at Beyond the Ceremony
Accelerated Spiritual Development Coach at Beyond the Whirlwind
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