Sharing the Process
Back in the day when I spent five years in the Amazon undergoing my Ayahuasca shamanic apprenticeship, one of the clearest messages I ever received was that one of the areas I can be of most support to people on similar journeys was to simply share my process. Don’t need to teach, don’t need to have all the answers, don’t even have to always be right in my perception of something (lest I learn more about it later.) So I blogged.
At times, being that vulnerable was harder than my ego preferred. Pieces were embarrassing, pieces I assumed would be judged or not understood in context, and pieces were messy (per usual for this spiritual journey we’re all on.) But no one is born a guru, with some magical line into the sum-total wisdom of the Universe. Even if they were, they would miss out on the crazy, wild, human experience of actually feeling ALIVE (vs the ultimate destination.)
The Apprenticeship Never Stops
So here we are again, with a new, crazy leg of the journey I have never experienced before. While I’m only in physical Ayahuasca ceremony a few times a year these days (last ones were over a year ago) the apprenticeship and spiritual development path never stops. In fact, learning how to recognize the process outside of ceremony is vital (because it’s the same process that happens in the body whether people work in the Medicine or not – just accelerated in ceremony.) But with strong intent on this path, 250 ceremonies under my belt, and an unrelenting faith in myself and my purpose, this last month has moved just as fast (if not faster) than living in Peru. But this time I know more, and am doing it a different way.
Letting Go of the “Hard Way”
Over the last year, I’ve really come to understand that one of the reasons the purging process was so arduous for me was due to my personal approach to spiritual development. Basically, with arrogance being one of my ego defense system ‘go-to’s, I basically had to see it/feel it in order to believe it. So I did. I also thought I knew what was “supposed” to be happening, and that I could/should control it (lolz.) I also didn’t realize how much of the other side of the spectrum I carried in my ego (victim, martyr, golden child, people pleaser) – so there was a level of unconscious self-punishment I was inflicting on myself.
This is very common, and 1000% shows up in Ceremony. People mistake the Medicine for “doing this to them”, but it’s our own approach to life and ourselves that out-pictures that experience, just like in the physical world. This isn’t a judgment on people either – most of this comes from years of repressing emotions, fears and wounds, while creating defense and belief systems to protect us from having to suffer. It is human survival on a visceral level – just applied to emotions. So it’s understandable, and was necessary at the time the wounds were created (since most of us didn’t have language, tools, and a safe space to actually feel and process our emotions.) This is why Ayahuasca integration work is also extremely important.
Once I realized how much I was doing that (thank you Matt Kahn!) it slowly started to shift. I didn’t need to torture myself with a spiritual process (counter-intuitive much?) I didn’t need to judge or beat myself up for not healing right (seriously?) But this is what many of us do on a default, and we don’t necessarily notice it until we actually try to look.
Embracing the Fluid, Loving, Fun Way
So I set the intention to allow this process to unfold the gentle way. The loving way. The fluid, efficient way. Maybe even the fun way. And here’s what happened…
The Flow of Divine Friendship
A co-worker turned friend and I began to have a growing draw to each other (noticeably – the “work wife/gay work husband” fun thing.) That draw continued as we started hanging out after hours, gradually getting deeper in spiritual conversation (mostly me sharing my process since that wasn’t really his world.) But he hung in and stayed with me.
At some point, it was clear that he needed additional support that I thought I could offer. So I threw a rope (offering do to some sessions) and we set the intention to do it as gently as possible (since he’d gone through way too much shit already and just needed to heal.) He accepted, and we began both spiritual counseling/process sessions with some light energetic ceremonial work.
We were both shocked as to how much of a natural he was. Able to access higher self, intuition, finding where things sat in the body, etc. Flowed like water 😉
During this process, he set the intention to improve his living and financial situation. Within a week he and his roommates got evicted, and he very smoothly landed fairly close to my house (versus the commute from the city to the suburbs.) We joked about how that must have been the Universe trying to get him closer to me. Our jokes keep turning out to be true.
Meanwhile on my end, I was having a series of event that was leading me to take a hard look at my self and my ego structures, and investigate where I was out of integrity when it comes to relationships. Deep patterns that had been there my entire life, and honestly questioned whether was purge-able or not.
One day, an event triggered a new level of his ego work. We processed it together, then he continued to deep levels on his own. I was still amazed at how quickly he “got it” (even though I’m aware this process is like de-cluttering the body and mind back to its natural state of clarity, but still.) I’m not sure if my language was a good match for him or what – but he just started flying. His willingness to be vulnerable and take a look at his own shit for real was rare (especially for a newb in his late 20’s), and it made all the difference.
Mercury Retrograde Intensifies
Fast forward to March 1 (when Mercury Retrograde was doing its thing – about a month ago.) We didn’t know it yet, but the trap door on the whirlwind was about to blow open.
By the way, I obviously have his full permission to write about this (and he’s read it and feels comfortable – even offered to include his name, which I’ve decided not to do – for now.) We both feel intuitively the insights we’re gaining are not just for us, and it requires vulnerability to share the process.
So this man is 101% gay. Never been with a woman. Knew since he was a child. Tried to have a girlfriend once, and was biologically unable to be physical. Ex-communicated by most of his friends in his highly southern Christian world (where he had been a youth leader and very devout/spiritually connected.) Went to college to try to “un-gay” himself (his words.) Come out of college “more gay” than before. Victim of actual, newscasted violent hate crime. His words again – “gay AF.” And has had to fight for that shit, as it came with severe society (obviously unjust) punishment time and time again (especially when it came to relationships.)
Meanwhile, I was fighting a crush on him. This is still embarrassing, but I’m sure I’ll desensitize at some point. Blogging might be the trick;) Obviously, my mind was telling me that those were feelings I shouldn’t be feeling. Not his problem to have to deal with. My shit to suck up, since I wanted to be friends with him enough that I was willing to swallow it.
Turns out, holding feelings isn’t a great idea. We do it all the time “in the name of” whatever. But holding feelings causes them to explode in uncontrollable, inappropriate, (and sometimes drunken) ways.
Back to March 1. A mutual friend of ours was going through a breakup (also new to the spiritual path) and we invited her over to my house to chill and drink. Had a great night, everyone was happy, she felt good about what was happening in her world.
She had some emotional purges while over (kind of a “insecure teenage girl” type of energy – one I’ve had multiple mega-purges on over the years and was hoping was out.) So, so wrong.
Those trapped feelings, plus my triggered inner teenager’s feeling about the feeling (anxious excitement meets deep insecurity and shame) started flying out of my mouth in words I couldn’t stop. It was like word vomit – I tried everything in my power to suck that shit back in (because, obviously!) But. It. Would. Not. Stop.
Meanwhile, my poor friend held in like a champ. Knew I was emotionally purging immediately (he’d never seen that side of me before – gotta knock me off the pedestal eventually since I PROMISED I’m a real person with real shit!) Held the space, knew exactly what to say, calm, supportive, comfortable. His higher self and intuition knew exactly what was going on, and created a space for me to let it out.
All was well, and we wrote it off like another iteration of the “high school boy” purge I’ve written about before. I asked my higher self – ‘how fucking long do have to keep doing this?’ Clear as day – Until you stop judging it. WTF?
There’s a whole other piece to this story that has to do with my relationship to femininity (which I’ll write about soon.) Just know, I would talk mad shit about my inner teenager and her annoying angst and insecurity. It was so embarrassing that I just got pissed and judged it. Apparently that approach was not working.
Whirlwind Breaks Open
After that day, something broke open in communication with my friend. It’s like the Universe just TOOK US. Crazy fucking magical whirlwind, where time and space stretched all over the place. We were just ridiculously drawn to each other (literally Facetiming every chance we got, hanging out as much as possible, and our text and Messenger threads are impossible to search because they’re stupid long.) It literally felt like our souls knew other before and we were FINALLY, after all these lifetimes, able to catch up. But we’re not “caught up” all the way yet, still (because we’re still in it currently.)
We started naturally processing each other, and each of our processes would feed the other one, unlocking more info. Like tag-team higher self duo, feeding us info and scenarios and healing opportunities daily. As in, the kind of massive shit you’d get in ceremony as a peak experience, but a new one each day. We finally had to pull the “free will planet” card and take a day off since our bodies needed a break.
Meanwhile, the internal structure I was working on was priming to crumble. Someone who knew a little bit about the scenario asked me if the high school energy was still present. I said yes, but suddenly realized it wasn’t just that. It was actual feelings. And, fuck.
One of the things I had learned (the day before – this shit is like immediate energetic dominoes) were the consequences to holding feelings, and how it fucks up communication (and finds it way to vent in convoluted ways.) All feelings don’t need to necessarily be shared, but they do need to be recognized and felt within the holder of them.
So when I realized that my feelings for him for real, my knee-jerk was to stuff, hide, ignore – protect him at all costs (rescuer archetype), even more so ‘protect him from me’ (deep-seated insecurity).
Of course, this was immediately followed by the obvious “Meghan, what did we just learn about holding feelings?” Double fuck.
Courage to Share and Be Uncomfortable
So I did the deed and told him how I was feeling. I got through it pretty well, and was surprised to find that he, too had been checking in on his (considering the obvious, I’m sure it was tough on his side as well.) Double checking sexuality and feelings and basically WTF is happening? Did I work this hard to come out to end up with a woman? kind of shit. But upon checking, it was still clear that there was not even 1% of him that’s even a little bit Bi. Phew! Then if it’s not that, then what the hell is this energy?
Later that day, I got more clarity that it wasn’t even sexual energy per se that I was vibing on (especially since I’ve been in another process with accepting my own bisexuality – I’ll save that for the femininity post.) Then the clarity banged me over the head – what you’re feeling/wanting isn’t sex, it’s intimacy.
Energetic Attraction: Sexual Energy vs Intimacy Energy
Once I shared that with him, he felt much better because that’s exactly what indescribable energy/emotion was for him too. And the conversation continued to clarify via our higher selves (through us) about the fact that this space is created so we can heal our deep-seated relationship issues on each other. 1, because it’s safe. 2, because the space that’s created between us goes into a higher plane of spiritual love (AKA – actual unconditional love.) When you couple that with the biological boundary where normally, intimacy would shift to sex, it instead creates a container held of intimate, unconditional love. This is the space we are healing in, and this is why it’s so magical, fast and fluid (vs doing it the traditional hard way.)
We also both (separately) got info about being together in multiple past lives (sometimes married or otherwise – definitely partners (and that in no way detracts from other spiritual partners I currently have too – I truly believe it’s one big team). Which validated the space even more.
Committing to the Healing Process Work
So we made the brave and courageous choice that’s required for this kind of work. We said, out loud and to the Universe (so it aligns the body properly with intent – I totally undervalued how important that step is forever) that we were willing and committed to working on and healing our relationship on each other, whatever that looks like (funny for the two commitment-phobes we are). Staying present, trusting the process, and whatever it looks like in the end won’t matter, because we will be healed.
It’s Not Just About Us
Then we got more. We also started seeing how well we team together while doing process work with people (since he brings the crystal water and has primary channels of higher self feed, and I bring the earth, with primary channels of Ayahuasca energy Medicine and intuition.) We bounce off each other, catch shit the other one misses or elaborate easily. Very fluid.
So basically, this space is being created not just for us. We’re just the primary holders of it. It’s to allow anyone who wants to work through their shit, in communion with a team, in container of intimacy and unconditional love (plus Medicine as the salve) to do so.
Purging Deep Energetic Structures
Today I began the crumble of a structure I never thought I’d be able to release. I found my sad inner teenager shriveled up like a raisin, her judgey older sister type protector (the part of myself who was judging myself, literally) and the ‘cool chick’ archetype protector to get her through society. I saw with full clarity how I’d recreated the co-dependent structure I’d inherited from my dad (unconsciously) and how with those kind of walls, real parent/child intimacy can’t get through to the level the child needs.
So I craved it on men. I’ve had relationships where I’ve had it before, and those peak experiences mean the world to me. But when the structure is off on the inside, it’s a bottomless pit that can never be filled (hence the archetypes and defenses I created to try to get it however I could – people-pleaser, cool girl, rescuer, etc.)
I saw the bottom of the structure basically squishing into my heart like a dull razorblade that didn’t penetrate, and the entire system filtering and self-fulfilling my entire life experience. I don’t even have any clue what the world will look like without it. But I’m happy as fuck to find out.
And it’s happening for my spiritual partner guy too (no good language for this yet). Shit is knocking down left and right, usually feeding off the space created after I purge. So fluid, damn near impossible to micromanage, and so much fucking unmistakable Flow.
Working in Tandem – and Sharing the Process
So this has been my last month, during the Retrograde. It’s wild, it’s amazing, it’s vulnerably uncomfortable at least once a day, but it’s a new approach that is a straight up gift from the Universe. All outside of Ceremony (but held in a container with the Medicine energetically) and for once, the easy, fluid, loving way.
I’ve always basically processed alone, or through one-on-one conversations, and then shared it with others to commune. Doing this tag-team style brings another set of eyes to the mix, and for me personally, it’s nice to not always have to be the one in the front of the trail with the machete.
And, we’re going to continue sharing what we’re learning (since it isn’t just for us.) This is a summary of the month, but at the pace we’re moving, we’re getting new shit daily, so it’ll be more elaborated in the weekly blog. Make sure to subscribe if you want to get notifications, because this shit might get very interesting 😉
Unconditional Love, Intimacy, and Unity is the Name of the Game Right Now
So take what you will from this, but my suggestion is if you haven’t already, speak a clear intent (out loud – or signed for my Deaf friends;) into the Universe that you are willing to allow the process to move gently, fluidly and lovingly (and maybe fun if you dare.) Feel free to tap into our space spiritually if it supports you. Unity really is the name of the game right now. Tell the radical truth (even if only within yourself.) Feel the emotions that need to release. Love the parts of you that you normally judge. Ask those inner children lashing out for attention what they actually want, and give it to them spiritually. Let the Medicine’s energy be the salve (even if you haven’t worked with Ayahuasca physically.
Love intimately in all forms. These are just bodies and roles to play. Tap into your natural space of unconditional love, and live in it as much as possible. And for fuck’s sake – reach out. No one can do this shit alone.
SOOO much love to all of you:)
~ Meghan 🙂