Alright – here’s my energetic nerd-out. I’m going into detail about the actual spiritual development techniques we’re using along the way here (many are new to me – coming in on direct intuitive and higher self feeds). So this is long, but if you’re into this work, I wanted you to be able to play with some of this at home. Always set intent for highest good of all, and allow the space to be protected by natural defenses and the Medicine. I often call Jesus and archangels in the clutch too, as well as protector plants and animals. But don’t do it from a place of fear – it’s for what “space holding” really entails.
If you’re new to this latest iteration of this unconditional love, spiritual partnering process with Zach and I, click HERE for the back story… Know that he reads all blogs before I post, giving full permission to share, as he knows that this work is not just for the two of us.
Consequences for Expressing Who You Are
Since the last attempt at trying to break through the walls filtering spiritual intimacy (and creating a few cracks, while realizing how strong our defenses were when it came to actually connecting at that level of vulnerability) so much has moved. Every day or two it comes into clarity what was being primed, loosened, and open enough to get down into the depths of our personal basements (where the defenses hide the pain and fear).
Love Language of Physical Touch
So Zach and I were on the drive home from a weekend trip out of town, and somehow landed on a conversation about physical touch. He mentioned how it was his love language, which I found surprising since I hadn’t experienced that from him much at all (shy of when he had big vulnerable extra-loving moments). I assumed this was due to the fact that I had my own feelings I was still grappling with and he was trying to support me by holding that space or something. Apparently it wasn’t that at all. He spoke about a pattern of having walls around physical touch when it comes to all the people he’s actually cared about historically, which is obviously a sign to dig under a bit.
What is the Fear?
We followed the trail down into the body (what are you afraid of? negative consequences, etc) until we landed at the oldest known point in the pattern – an experience he had at age four when him and another child were being “too touchy” by society standards (yet natural exploration for children) and got severely punished, including not being allowed to see his best friend anymore (and to a four year old, that’s a big rip-away). The tiny defenses subconsciously created a structure to protect him from experiencing that again (and all the guilt, shame, fear, etc became lodged underneath). Of course as a gay man, society has continued to feed the pattern of experiencing “punishment” or consequences to being, much less actually expressing who he is, amplifying the defense structure over the years.
Mind you, this is a person who is an amazing soul, extremely kind, fun, intelligent, attractive, etc. People catch feelings for him easily, yet he hasn’t made it past the honeymoon phase of an actual relationship (due to the structure of the subconscious protection walls – which is one of the reasons we’ve been put together to do this work). We’d already dislodged the false belief that he “didn’t like children” (he just hadn’t met mine yet! kidding), discovering that it wasn’t an actual dislike of children, but a hidden fear of punishment he was worried they would receive if they didn’t act a certain way (and that fear kept him viscerally uncomfortable enough to avoid kids in general). That led to the “golden child” purge, where the archetype of being this perfect kid, banking his value as a person on his actions and accomplishments, while fearing the consequences if he wasn’t (withheld love) – also released.
It took a minute for him to work through the fear around letting it go, but once he did (and found the four year old naturally expressing himself through touch), his body wanted to release the emotions and purge, then and there. So he allowed the feelings to be felt (and all the guilt/shame, etc) as they released out of the body energetically (and with a small cry).
Normally, when a person is emotionally purging (often via crying) I can feel the energy of what they’re purging coming off of their body enough to recognize what it is. I’m not an empath (feeling the experience of their emotions in my heart) but the energy will touch the outside of my body so I can properly support them if we need to do some kind of energy work or mini-ceremony. But this time was different – even though he was purging fear, guilt, shame, etc – all I was feeling was light blue innocence (basically the pure energy of the inner child). This must have been a weird Higher Self filter that happened on its own, because it connected me the way that was called for.
Salve for the Inner Child
After the purge (which was still fairly light compared to what was in there) I went to “apply the salve” (basically channeling in the trifecta of Ayahuasca Medicine energy, unconditional love and spiritual intimacy) with my hand on his heart. I was pulling the energy up and pumping it in, but I could tell it wasn’t absorbing (which he confirmed – wall over the heart wasn’t down yet).
Out of nowhere (fed from my higher ups) I started speaking directly to the child as a nurturing, loving spiritual mama. Basically making sure he knew he was loved, and he didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, he was just being himself, which is exactly what he is supposed to be. Filling the inner child up with healing words, allowing the wounds to fill with love and realign with the truth of who he is. Immediately, he released the emotions in a visceral cry (physically) allowing it to come up and out. It was a beautiful process, and he felt so much better afterwards; and was no longer afraid of being himself and expressing his natural love language of physical touch to those he cared about the most.
An interesting aspect of this (that we’ve gotten through higher self feeds) is that due to the nature of this intentional process (and the fact that we’re working on pretty much the same structures at the same time) is when one of us releases something, it effects the other’s (obviously gives language concepts to, but also energetically primes it to be more malleable to release). This one, I could see his filter of physical touch walls released (and could see it through my eyes – weird phenomenon). This is one of the reason this process is moving so quickly, because as soon as something moves in one of us, it creates movement in the other. Like, every day. It’s been such a crazy time warp.
What this ended up prepping was my mega-purge three days later.
We ended up hanging out and having a big opening experience with one of his friends (who had a bit of a wall up on me), The big bonding moment was beautiful, as was the night. There had been sexual tension and mild known feelings between those two before, so it was pretty clear where the trajectory was headed. I’d felt a twinge of jealousy about this before, but Zach and I had discussed it and recognize it’s an inevitable part of this process (especially knowing what I know about how triggers work, and past insecurity purges).
This time while it wasn’t directly in front of me, it was close enough to actually trigger a bit of jealousy in the moment. Not enough to react outside of my body, but enough for me to notice.
I’ve had an interesting history with jealousy. I basically lived in it during high school (due to the amount of insecurity I carried) and have spent many years working on purging it (including a massive ball of it that grew its own legs, purging in ceremony in 2008). While I had made amazing headway with the jealousy purging, what I didn’t realize (until yesterday) was when I purged that “jealousy entity” (my framing at the time), I unconsciously created new walls to protect myself from feeling it (partly out of avoiding pain, and partly from my trying to be a “golden child” when it came to Ayahuasca work, unconsciously doing “extra” to make sure people knew the work worked – in turn accidentally fucking with my own process lol – ahh the infamous ego work).
So basically, I had whatever was left from the 2008 jealousy purge, plus the next 11 years worth of unfelt jealousy pent up behind walls I didn’t even know were there (I thought I’d just evolved past it – fun thought while it lasted). They were the same unconscious walls I’d created after getting divorced – I would’ve been very content to never have to “deal with” relationships again (until I began to experience what it could feel like when it’s on this kind of flow). I’d basically backed myself into an ego-wall corner, and wouldn’t have been uncomfortable enough to have to move (as Zach was with his). You can see the brilliant spiritual design of this thing.
When I woke up the next morning (on very little sleep and mildly hungover, which also weakens the walls, creating the perfect conditions to purge) I got myself ready for work, and out of nowhere got angry. Visceral, yelling out loud kind of anger. I wasn’t so much angry at the two of them (I like them both and understand what’s happening), just an anger at the seeming “injustice” of the fact that I don’t get a fair chance because I’m a woman, and how we don’t get the option to even see if we could be together in this lifetime. That led to anger towards myself at my old patterns of always falling for unavailable guys, and doing the rescuer “nurse back to health” thing to end up sending them off with someone else (in turn landing me alone), etc. OLD SHIT. Patterns that I can see stemming back to elementary school when I first started liking boys.
Judgement About the Feelings
Then came the judgement – just ripping myself a new asshole for still having the feelings for him, fear that those feelings would never go away (even though I’d been trying to “get rid of them”), fear that this would be too much for him or he’d have to “deal with me”, etc. Eventually out came the sadness underneath about the fact that we just aren’t going to be together in this lifetime, and there’s a part of that that’s sad. I just hadn’t let myself feel it yet.
I heard my higher self tell me ‘There’s no one here. Just feel your fucking feelings.” With that (in the car, trying to drive) I let out the visceral sadness, guilt, shame, insecurity, judgement, etc. It purged.
By the time I got to work, the emotions had subsided (and I was early so I had a whole hour to recover). During the day, I got two texts about two upcoming jobs later in the day being cancelled (which was amazing). About ten minutes into the end of class, I felt the jealousy starting to purge out of me energetically. I was working, so obviously I couldn’t let it come out on my face. But it was STRONG. I directed the spirits to collect and transmute the energy quickly (lest there be some poor empaths in the room!) Once the job was over and I was walking to the car, it started to well up into angry cry form, and exploded the second I closed the car door. Immediately, the phone rang (and it was Zach of course).
This kind of purging can be very messy, and very confusing. When it can be done the loving, gentle way – it will. But sometimes, for whatever reason, they come out rough. Mine was likely not so much about the actual feelings I was releasing, but my harsh judgements about those feelings (creating a prickly energetic layer surrounding them as they come out). They fuck with your thoughts during the volcano, and even if you know you’re purging, it’s not pretty. Sometimes you just have to be a fucking puddle.
Holding to the Commitment of Communication
I hesitated answering the phone in my emotional chaos, but we hold tight to our original stake-in-the-ground when we decided to do this work in the first place. Don’t hold feelings; do communicate – every time. So I answered the phone, and he immediately empathed enough of my purge to see it was a fucking energetic torrent. My defenses were still kicking, so I mentioned that I was purging and tried to steer the conversation a different way.
This is why we have each other. He created a beautifully held space, gently held me to talking about the purge, let the story and the emotions vent, and walked me through to the point where the volcano had started to subside, and we could actually process.
People Will Still Love You, Regardless of What You’re “Doing” for Them
At the bottom lay the deep insecurity I’d released a structural layer of the other day. Feeling a need to give and do and be all these things to be loved. While it used to be sex and money, sneaky ego had morphed over the years into spiritual development work and emotional support (since that’s my strongest “offer” at the moment). Regardless of the fact that process work part of my life purpose and it still creates healing, the internal need to offer it in exchange for love is the old core belief that I’m not worth it without “something to offer”, and the structure still needs to come down. Who am I without it? Deep shit.
He said it so simply, and it landed perfectly in the space it needed to. “I’m not in this with you just for the spiritual development work. That’s a bonus. Or the amazing conversation. Or the emotional support. I’m in this because I love you, and I just love being around you, no matter what we’re talking about.”
Amazing how such simple words can take the pressure off that I didn’t even know I’d unconsciously placed on myself. Even if I had no spiritual skills, I’m still loved by my friends. I just didn’t even realize that I wasn’t fully seeing that.
So we made it through the mega-purge, and hung out a bit later in the day (lots of big hugs – the salve!) Following morning, I woke up after a dream about my foundation. Felt deeply shifted, liberated, and so much better. There’s nothing like the other side of a huge purge – and we remember why we do this work. More clarity will continue to come in the after-effects of this one, and we’ll keep you all updated. This process is so beautiful, even in all it’s discomfort and messiness. This is why when we work together, can see it on each other and support the other’s process tag-team style, it flows seamlessly.
Tag – you’re it Zach.
Zach’s Love Ceremony
The natural pattern of this thing has been (more or less) that I go first on something, then Zach’s up next on his version of the similar thing. Next day, he could clearly see his own version of this same structure, but wasn’t feeling emotionally connected to it. I asked if he wanted to work on it later (as well asked whether he was feeling any resistance to working on it.) He was down to play around with it (and he didn’t sense resistance) but when the hour to FaceTime arrived, it was obvious to both of us his defenses were heightened with one of his tells – distract.
Getting Ahead of it With Intent
Once we both recognized that, it was clear we had to work on it. But this time (instead of my oldschool ‘trigger than purge’ inferno from a few days ago) we were intentionally getting ahead of it, allowing a space for a much more loving approach to present. It turned into a ceremony I’d never seen before.
As always with defenses, we find out what the fear is, layer by layer. This eventually landed in his deep-rooted fear of “not being able to do this purge right”, in turn me being potentially disappointed in him, and at deep fear, dropping him as a friend because he’d no longer have value to me. Under that, lay the core beliefs of him feeling not worthy in general (most of us have a version of this at the roots – mine is ‘not good enough’).
Once we got to the fear (that was holding up the defenses) he was able to open them up enough to set the intention to actually, energetically, emotionally – receive love (for real). It had been bouncing off these defenses and only getting through the filters slightly this whole time (not just from me either – to everyone who loves him).
Energetically and Emotionally Receiving Love
Love (in pure energy, regardless of form) is like food to a human. We need it to survive. These types of walls and defenses create a dam in the system, causing us to then crave it (since we are starving). So much so, that we give what we have away to other people in hopes we get it back, generally forgetting to actually feed it to ourselves.
So he set the intention (out loud – it took awhile to muster up the courage) to open up to actually receiving love. Once that was done (which aligns the body energetically in turn) I asked him to ask his higher self to pour into his heart chakra “Divine self love”. I’ve seen Divine love, and I’ve seen self-love. But I’d never heard nor considered “Divine self-love” (it was a higher self feed obvi). So he did.
And man, did it pour. I watched his face and body react to the intensity of the welling energy filling him up. I got more feeds on what to say (allow it into the marrow of the structures, allow it to absorb into the defense walls, let it into the part that doesn’t feel like you aren’t worthy of deserving it, allow it to move into your thoughts, every chakra, etc.) Every time I could see a physical reaction to the intense pouring of Divine self love.
Purging Coated in Love
I asked him to allow the energies that do not align with this love to gently leave the body (he was one step ahead of me). Those heavy energies purged in the most gentle way I’ve ever seen. He (later) told me that it was like white crystals penetrating the areas (strong but clear), and even once an emotion came up to purge, it was immediately swept out by the sea of love and disappeared before he had to really feel it leaving (note the juxtaposition of my version). He felt high in the true meaning of the word.
Intentionally Accepting Mine
Next step (fed to me) was to allow all the love I’ve ever tried to send him (since the beginning) to absorb into the body. All of it? Yep, all of it.
Energy changes from Divine white light to my spirit (still bright, but more earthy and elemental). It’s soooo big… Another several minutes of receiving from another person (the facial expressions were amazing to watch), actually allowing it into his heart to this level, for the first time ever. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed.
He set the intention to keep the love receiving channel open wide, while still allowing his natural protection, intuition, etc to only let the pure love (in the highest good) to enter the channel. And he can always make a choice whether to allow it in or not. But now he’s free to actually make that choice.
No Child Left Behind
Only one piece was still sitting there (sticking out obviously to him because of the space) – the “perfectionist” (brother of “golden child”) mildly fucking with him (pretty weakly and floppily, but still noticeable). I asked if it felt like an archetype or a structure (was a structure). So far, we keep finding inner children at the root of these structures, so we looked there first. Found the asshole kindergarten teacher telling him his parents would be embarrassed about his artwork (wtf lady).
Now that he knows how to do inner child work, he took lead and talked to the little boy, loving him up and telling him what he needed to hear (including allowing him to cry – which happened physically.) Then he moved the little boy into this heart space he created for the inner children to continue to heal, play, feel love (versus being trapped in some dungeon alone in the body – that was another new technique we picked up a couple weeks ago). This dislodges the roots of the structure, taking away its feeding source so that it can dry up and release.
Mother. Fucking. Beautiful.
Soooo, that was our week! Lol. It is moving crazy fast. Stay tuned to the next episode of Meghan and Zach’s crazy healing process. We’re the actors and haven’t even gotten the scripts!
Big love to everyone and their beautiful, messy processes! If you don’t have spiritual friends or partners to work through this with, come hang with us in our Beyond the Ceremony private Facebook group and meet some people on this track (even if you’re just curious about the Ayahuasca Medicine part of this work.) Like we got at the beginning – this process isn’t just for us. It’s to hold space for whoever wants in:) Love you guys!
Ayahuasca Preparation and Integration Specialist at Beyond the Ceremony
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